Labor of Love

Just yesterday, I volunteered to take part in a 3rd birthday party of a sweet little girl. It was a paint party and with it came decorations, sticking on walls, markers, glue, candies, rainbow cake, little kids, and lots of PAINT! It was a wonderful mixture of chaos, laughter, paint, songs, screams, and a whole lot more. I had a blast! 

I realized that when you love doing something, all your worries in life don't really matter anymore. What matters is that you found something that makes you smile everyday and makes you appreciate the beauty of life. 

Yup! This realization in birthday party. What a wonderful bunch of people too! Imagine having a group of close friends, growing up, getting married, and having kids. You celebrate weddings, baby showers, and parties together. As the kids grow up, you still have that solid group of friends to celebrate life together. That's what I saw in the party. It was amazing to witness a friendship and family so close and happy. It was incredible and left me feeling incredible. 

 My painting smock and a sweet letter. I feel blessed. 

Fake it until you make it

Sometimes when you fake it, the "it" becomes reality.

Doubting myself is the biggest downfall I possess. Maybe sometimes I just had to fake it until I actually make it.

Everyone feels horrible at some points in their lives. It doesn't make them emotional or overly dramatic, it just makes them normal. Yes, horrible is the word. Horrible, miserable, frustrated, awful, and terrible. What do you do when you feel that way EVERYDAY of your life? It never seems to end.

Should I quit? run away? Withstand the pain? Continue knowing it makes me miserable every single day????

I have no idea. Maybe I should just embrace the chaos in my life because something good may come out of it. Or maybe waiting isn't the answer, Maybe I should just leave... Be free.... and maybe I will find my answer.

Searching for light at the end of my unending tunnel.

Cause even the stars they burn, some even fall to the earth

How can you measure ones growth?

Is it how much taller you've gotten? How much weight you've put on? How much friends you've acquired? or How much wisdom you've gained? But how do you measure that?

I've gone through a really TOUGH year. It was terrible! Whenever I think about it, it always gives me horrible memories. It was rough, frightening, traumatic and awful! But somehow I got through it. It wasn't always pretty, not at all glamorous, it may have seemed happy, but it wasn't. Not always. There were happy days, but those happy days were always ruined.

But I got through it. 

I'm not at all sure if it has given me the growth that I needed. I'm definitely tougher, and I guess I can do things without giving up. But what has it given me? To my professional growth?

Maybe teaching in the first grade wasn't for me. Maybe it is. But I just got through something I don't ever want to feel again. I was a fresh graduate, thrown into a level ALL ALONE with no one to guide me, no one to help me with the things going on in the classroom. I felt lost, I cried almost everyday, I was jealous of my colleagues who got to be trained and are STILL trained up to this day. It was a horrible feeling. Some would tell me that being thrown into something alone IS MY TRAINING, but the way I saw it was torture. At one point I said, "I NEVER wanted to teach ever again." Instead of being more confident in myself from having achieved this, I lost myself, I gained 20 pounds, and It lowered my self-esteem. I want to be trained and have the chance to learn from someone. In other blogs I would read about teachers learning from their mentors, or using the styles their mentors taught them, or what they've observed from their mentors. I never had that chance. I was thrown into something I wasn't ready for and it totally sucks!


I'm reading this book, Teach Like a Champion by Doug Lemov. 

I just read the foreword, introduction and half of chapter one and I LOVE it. I read it slowly. I highlighted, took down notes, I watched the videos, and tried to squeeze out every information and tips that I could get. It's  good book! it's very practical rather than filling your brain with theories and information. I just read the first part and I'm HOOKED! This book also helped me realize that in a way I'm lucky to be teaching in a small school. It made me realize that YEAH, my situation SUCKED, but I shouldn't let my situation and circumstance define who I am and who I want to be. It also made me appreciate what I have instead of what I don't have or wan't to have. I also shouldn't be jealous of my colleagues. It may seem that they're lucky and get everything that I wished I had. To be trained each year she was at the school by one of the most amazing teachers, while I, on my first year of teaching was thrown into a level alone. Yes it was horrible and sucked out the life of me, but I could learn from this. It also made me see that in some ways I am lucky and I do have qualities and things that others don't get. I also saw how little things can make a difference. I do get help, not all the time and in little ways, but still, it helped me in bigger ways. I'm very lucky to be in this type of setting, and to be a part of this wonderful school. A lot of teachers experience worse. So thanks to this book, I am grateful.


I'm very nervous yet so excited for the next school year. For the summer even! :) I'm going to be in a whole new level, Preschool, with kids aged 4.6-5.5. I'm nervous because I have never taught this level EVER and I'm really praying and hoping I don't get left alone again. I'm hoping to be trained and learn from someone. I'm excited to be able to work with a team. Working in the first grade was very lonely, so I'm definitely excited to have at least someone with me. Someone to laugh with when something funny happens in the classroom, someone to help me when there's something difficult to handle or when an incident happens. As long as someone is there with me I'd be happy. A chance also to learn from someone, a mentor, definitely exciting. I'm also excited for the level, the age of the kids, endless possibilities for stations, for hands on activities, for read aloud books. It's also the perfect level to learn reading which I'd love to learn how to teach and  be part of the kids' journey. Definitely exciting. With all this excitement, I'm very nervous. Anxious that I'd have to do it first without any model to copy from. 


If there was one thing I learned from my horrible experience is that I can get through anything. I am strong and I won't give up. Praying for a wonderful school year ahead :) Wish me luck!

"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough" -Jason Mraz

Decisions

I always find it very difficult to make decisions. Decisions that can affect the rest of my life. Pros and cons don't help much, these decisions have good and bad points. Advice from other people say to go where I'll be happy, or to take a risk. I honestly wish I knew what I wanted.

I feel like I'm on a swing in the park while the rain is pouring down on me. I don't move, I don't run for cover, I just sit there and think. I really want to know what I want.

If I flip a coin, would that fix all my answers?

I always find that I don't have enough time to do what I need to do. I hope it isn't because of laziness, but I SHOULD have enough time to do the things I need plus the things I want.

This decision should help me and make me a better person. This decision should make me a happier person, more passionate to do my job well, to actually believe in myself. I need to observe and see for myself what I will be getting myself into.

COUNTDOWN: OMG 11 more days!!!

I'm sooo not ready for this!!! I need to be confident in myself. It's all I need and all I want. I NEED THIS.

note to self: Keep praying..... and..... EXCERCISE!

Strong?

I'm not as strong as you think. This pressure is killing me. I'm having a hard time taking it all in...

Breathe in... Breathe out.

What do I want? I ultimately just want to be trained, to learn from someone. Don't expect me to be strong, to automatically know what to do, to be really good at this, cos I'm not. I'm not as strong as you think. I try to be positive, I try to be strong, but I'm not there yet.

There's a possibility I could be great at this, there's also a possibility that I would fail.

What to do.

I'm finding it very difficult to be positive about this.

Choices in life.

COUNTDOWN: 15 more days

Oh my. It's getting closer and closer. I have to prepare myself. I have to organize my life.

COUNTDOWN #2: 46 more weeks!

What have I done thats different? I TRIED being more positive, but no matter how hard I try, there is always something holding me back, making me want to run away and give up.

Any words of wisdom? none.

Don't give up. Hang in there! 4 more REAL weeks left! Then it's ALL OVER! another adventure will begin.

However challenging it may be, what is there to look forward to?

Maybe something good might come out of it...

I want to dance all my troubles away

and run away....

Take these things away

What do you look forward to every morning when you wake up?

This question lingers in my mind every morning. Usually, I look forward to the END of the day. Then I ask myself: Is that what I really want to be looking forward to everyday for the rest of my life? Not really. So I told myself short term goals for now. All on the road to reach my dreams.

COUNTDOWN: 24 more days.

For what you ask? It's something that can make or break my dreams. It's something that, if it goes well, can make me the happiest I can ever imagine to be.

To reach that goal I should:
- Stop working Saturdays
- Get all my documents in order
- Apply for something I SHOULD have when I graduated college but didn't get round to do it

ANOTHER COUNTDOWN: 47 more weeks


Last week, I was given this "Jar of Marbles." There were 48 marbles inside. Every week, I have to remove a marble from the jar and reflect if I've done anything in the week that can bring me one step closer to my dreams. Or if I've done anything special in my life. The 48 marbles represent the weeks of the year. I just removed my first marble. What special thing did I do this week? hmmm..... After like a YEAR of NOT working out and gaining pound after pound, just yesterday I went Roller Blading in my Village. It wasn't long, and it clearly wasn't a grand losing lots of weight workout. But it's a start. Hopefully of many more make-myself-feel-better days.

With 47 more weeks left of the year, I hope I get closer and closer to finding ME and who I want to be.

NEW GOAL: Look forward to something small everyday.

I will also start with Notes to self.

Note to self # 1: There will be lots of problems that will come your way. Stay cool. Don't lose it. Just take a deep breath and believe that everything will be okay. Think about it. There's always a solution to all your problems. And remember, something good will always come out of all your hard work. So smile your troubles away :)

A Place in This World

I've been reading this book to my students for the past weeks now. It's called "Ramona Quimby, Age 8" by Beverly Cleary. We have this Giant read aloud book in school. It looks like this:

My kids LOVE it. They love the adventures and mishaps of Ms. Ramona Quimby in the 3rd grade. I enjoy reading it to my kids in class. Even if they are just in the first grade, and Ramona in the 3rd grade, they learn to put themselves in another person's shoes. They learn that they have to be more responsible, they learn the big words such as "nuisance" "scarcity" and other words that Beverly Cleary uses. This book shows them that learning IS fun and reading books can allow you to discover answers to many of life's problems. 

I just watched the movie "Ramona and Beezus" and I LOVED it. I cried and laughed and cried again along with Ramona and the people around her. This movie really touched the most sensitive part of my heart. Not to mention the star studded cast! I absolutely adore Ginnifer Goodwin. I loved her in "He's just not that into you,"I loved her in "Something Borrowed," I love her in the TV series "Once upon a time," and I love her in this movie. She has this aura about her that makes you just love her. I want to have that kind of aura. Extra bonus in the movie is the gorgeous Josh Duhamel, the funny Sandra Oh, the beautiful Bridget Moynahan and the lovable Selena Gomez. This movie hit the spot. They had problems, ups, downs, lessons, and love. Why hadn't I known about this when it was freshly released? Maybe the timing is just right, watching this at the most crucial part of my life. This movie was the answer to many of my life's problems.

Now I want to read this book! 

Children's books make me happy. They give me the feeling of being a kid again. Where my life was less complicated and my world was full of imagination and adventures. 

Never be in a hurry to grow up. You will miss all the fun! :)